Will your loved one not accept help? – Blog

28th January 2022

At times there may be support out there but your loved one may be reluctant to accept it.  This can be frustrating, especially if you sometimes feel your caring role is overwhelming and you need help.

Firstly, it is important to remember how your loved one must feel.  Likely, they have had busy lives, working, bringing up a family, so accepting they may now need help with what was once a simple task can be difficult.  

The situation may feel hopeless to change but here are some strategies that may be help.

Early conversations – Start the conversations early before support is even necessary.  Ask “How would you feel about help if you needed it?”  If you were struggling and needed support, what would you like?”  “Would you want a cleaner if it helped you stay at home?”

Listen – The answers to these questions may not necessarily be the ones you wanted.  It is so important you show you are listening. This shows you are taking their thoughts and feelings into consideration.

Think – Think about their answers.  What do they tell you about your loved one’s thoughts and fears?  Continue to ask questions such as “So, is it your privacy you are concerned about?”  or “So, it upsets you, the thought of losing your independence?”

Options – Make sure your loved one is included in the conversations around their care and they have options.  Let them decide, the days of support, the times of support.  Perhaps not only could someone help with tasks but also enjoyable activities with them.

Outside support – Consider at times, it may be easier for your loved one to talk to someone who isn’t a friend or family member.  They may be able to open up easier to a community or charity worker.

Prioritise – There may be a number of things you would like to change but focus on what is really important.  You may not want things done in a certain way but ask yourself, “does it really matter?”  There may be other things that you feel are very important so focus on them.

Be indirect – If you care for someone with dementia it may be better to not go into every detail.  Instead of explaining you are paying for support from a care company and where they are from and what they have to do, you can keep it simple.  “Someone helpful is coming to see if you need anything.”

Take is slow – Start perhaps with short visits, even perhaps asking the caregiver to just have a coffee with your loved one. Gradually you can increase the care.  This way your loved one doesn’t feel overwhelmed or they are losing control of the situation.

Understand your limits – You cannot control everything and your loved one must be given choice.  Understand at times our loved ones may for instance fall, through no fault of anyone’s and there was nothing we could have done.  Remind yourself all the difference you make and don’t focus on the setbacks. You can only try your best.

For more information contact your local carers service. If you live in BWD click on this link.

Contact – Blackburn with Darwen Carers Service (bwdcarers.org.uk)